Thursday, April 10, 2008

Let Us Eat Cake

From the March (2008) issue of Esquire, What I've Learned: Roseanne:

Men are very fragile.

Everything is a government conspiracy.

If you think you're getting bad love, that means you're giving it, too.

Self-esteem is the goddamn root of all evil.

Those who can't do, teach. And, as Woody Allen says, those who can't teach, teach gym. And, as I say, those who can't teach gym become experts. That's who we look to for answers these days -- the biggest friggin' idiots in the world. People who have never had kids telling you how to raise yours. Gay people telling you how to make your marriage work. Men telling women how to raise their self-esteem. The only thing that cures everything is talking to people who have the same problem you do. The rest is just a moneymaking bullshit scheme that some asshole is getting rich on.

One of my missions on earth is to tell people how full of shit they are.

I'm from the streets, but I'm also very gracious. They always leave that part out.

I used to think that people liked you if you told the truth.

Women love to lose themselves in effect. Men love to lose themselves in cause.

When you grow up Jewish, your parents are always telling you, Nobody's better than you. Then, usually when you're about sixteen, they start telling you that you're no better than anybody else. That's the whole thing about being Jewish: It's too hot, but it's too cold. You don't want your kids to be certain of anything. If you're certain of anything, that's when you get into trouble. That's the lesson of the Jews.

You have to participate in a marriage. That was news to me.

Husbands are like children: You gotta be very consistent with setting limits.

The hardest thing I ever learned about being a wife was that I'm not the husband.

The wife is the one who serves. But she is also the one who rules. It's weird, because you have to stay humble and be strong all at the same time. The husband? He serves, too, only in a different way. And he protects. Just like the LAPD.

The object of business is to keep your buddies working, even if they're fuckin' idiots.

Nobody ever gets back to you. Nobody ever completes anything. Everything always costs ten times more than estimated.

I realized very early in my life that the rest of the world marched to the beat of a different drummer than I did. But I felt sorry for them. I thought I was the only one who was right. And I think that's what probably saved my life -- being that deluded.

Fame makes you a target, but it also allows you to put your ethics into play.

You can't refute comedy. It's a physical response in the body and in the mind. It comes and it snatches you up and it makes you dance.

I'm way funnier in the morning.

Our world today is all about things rather than ideas. It's vanquishment by enticement.

The good life is free.

Nobody repays any debts in Hollywood. Until you're dead. Then they give you the Thalberg Award.

You're as sick as your secrets.

Del Taco has the best fast food. Wendy's has the best fries. I don't like McDonald's anymore; it's just cardboard. Burger King at least has mayonnaise. Taco Bell is great, 'cause you can't eat Del Taco every time.

Diets are the root of all evil. They are the reason everyone is fat.

If you ask me, I'm gonna tell you.

I hate sex. I'm done with it. I tell my husband he should go have sex with other people, but he never does. I don't know why. Probably because I told him to. Whatever you tell men, they always do the opposite. The trick is to tell them they should cheat on you, and then don't have sex with them, either. Then you have a happy marriage. You stop having sex and just hang out and eat and watch TV.

Women's problem with sex is simple: We don't like having sex with someone we know too well.

Inner peace means inner silence.

I'm tired of asking anymore. I'm just doing.

Is there anyone more wonderful than Roseanne? I've always had a girlie crush on her; but when she had Mary Daly on her talk show, I fell in love. But hard.

I don't agree with every damn thing they "say", but then I don't think they'd want me to. Neither wants zombie followers.

If they did, I'd be less of an admirer.

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